Composed understanding

You made me want to cry.
You didn't hurt me.
You didn't say a word.
You haven't seen me for a long time.
I don't even know if we really know each other.

Yet you made me want to cry.

I felt your pain in something you wrote.
The vocabulary wasn't as strong as you like.
It wasn't abstract or metaphorical.
I didn't have to search for your meaning.
It was just there.

Your pain was vunerable.

What I have felt for months you stored in the composed lines of your poetry.
The hurt that has torn me, in a few simple lines.
How could you have understood?
How much I hurt, missed him, was lost...
You are too, yet we know where each other are.
How could we feel the same thing and not know?

Thank you friend.

I don't know what I can give.
I don't know that I can make it better.
I don't know if this will make your own eyes water.
I don't know.
I don't understand.
But for some reason that's okay.
God knows and can give what I can't.

As always, I'm praying for you.

Change in the Weather

A well full of water.
Each drop evaporated and held in the cloud of my soul.
The unexpected thunder storm pours the rain of tears from the green skies of my eyes.
They fall back into the well as the water cycle begins again.

Suddenly, the temperate drops.
Negative sixty degrees.
Freezing.
Frozen over.
Chill down my spin.
Ice in my stare, trying to melt it with my glare.

Crazy weather.
The summer arrives in March this year.
104 degrees.
Heart is burning.
Boiling over.
Come close, get singed.

Stone.
Heart of stone or breaking glass?
Is there weather for lasting hate?
Even Tornados couldn't devestate the bricks.
Zombie.
Alive?
Yes, breathing still.

Tsunami.
Hurricane.
Earthquake.
Get them back.
Try to regain by stealing.

Melting...
Who can melt stone?
God's hands.
Calmed my storm.
Melted the stone.
Crushed the glass to give me crystal.

Sun comes up.
I see rainbows through the prism of my heart.
I see the devestation of my disasters.
How to fix?
Only God.
Rain drops from green skies.
Oceans dance to the song of remorse.

Erosion of change.
Please grow and forgive me.

Ode to a dear brother

You always have a way to make me smile.

You keep annoying me by comparing school work or endless files.

Like water and oxygen we just mix.

Together there’s nothing we can’t fix.

If I asked you to lift a mountain I’m very sure you could.

Your strength surpasses giants and I’m very sure you would.

You’re like candy oh so sweet.

You’re like a slinky always neat.

Like something shiny you hold my attention.

Those were just some things I thought I’d mention.

Bonjour!

Hello! I am sorry for the lack of posting lately... I have taken up a new hobby! La Francais! It is such a beautiful language, I have always loved it and found it lovely and taught myself little along the way. Now I am singing French, reading it, writing it, studying it, searching it, and just savoring it. Even to say the words just feels like I am speaking a new form of beauty. There aren't sharp turns or corners to this new language. In English our words don't flow, but when you speak french or italian it is like lovely waters pouring from your lips. I hope to learn Italian next and then possible Hebrew. My family is interested already for the most part. I hope to bring them along even further on my own journey because I love them so much. God is always in my heart, leading and guiding, and I thank him so much for the privalige of being able to do this. Both for the voice and the language he so creatively fashioned. I should imagine that more poetry will arise as I continue studying one of the romantic languages. I hope you all have a blessed Saturday and a very happy Easter! Today was good Friday and a day to reflect on the beauty and pain of the cross. I hope God revealed Himself to you in every possible, powerful way. Beaucoup de paix!

This is my post

"Somethings in life are much more beautiful when you don't understand them..." ~Courtney M

April 18th

"There is a thin yet VERY distinct line between arrogance and confidence." ~Courtney M

How I paint

The flow.
Like air, like water.
One arm, two arms.
Twirl, skip, spread.
Flowing like the rythym that slowly wraps around my skin.

Tap, jump, pop, lock, control.
Freedom.
No control, given to the music.
Sway like the trees being played by the air.
The beat grabs a hold and you give way.

No thoughts,
no plans,
just dance.

Like a preprogrammed robot,
but just as real as the preprogrammed rising sun.
Shift like the sand.
Flow. Fly.
Capture.
Paint with your body.
On the empty canvas of air.
The many colors of music to chose from.

As your brush moves,
let it inspire.
Create.
Revive.

Painting my dance.

Broken and Fixed

A wise person told my sister yesterday, "Everything breaks at some point." For some reason this little tidbit of information penetrated a lot deeper into my heart then I would have expected...
I have come to the intense realization that everything, even the body of Christ, was and will be broken at some point.
But even though everything breaks, not everything can be fixed.
It can be made new, but not fixed as with the original pieces.
This made me so sad for a few brief moments and then I realized something more profound.
Not everything is meant to be fixed.
That means you can enjoy the beauty of brokenness and renewal.
Or it means life holds nothing except brokenness.

The Window of Writing

No friends, no family, no air.
Just my paper and pen.
All I need.
God in me.

The words flow like pouring out water.
The lines of the letters all making straight sense.
Rhymes? Maybe.
Answers? Maybe.
Questions? From me to you.

Its always there.
Never not understanding.
The feelings and thoughts all in black on white.
Instead of jumbled over the space of brain and heart.
The pen gently kisses the script.

The meaning and passion given to me burn through the words.
The window into my soul has no blinds.
There is no door.
No one may enter.
Unless you can find the Window.
Then I will let you see.

Love scares me.
Hope is my lifeboat.
Trust is a magician, that always seems to disappear.
Faith. Unseen.
The window of writing shows me these things clearer than me.

Can you see it?

Her

There she stands.
Silently crying on the inside.
They hugged her.
Talked to her.
They're questions weren't the ones.
The hugs weren't long enough.

She is alone.

There she sits.
Contemplating death. How is that contemplated?
Her eyes are open, but her heart is closed.
She feels darkness.
She failed again.

She is such a dissapointment.

She knows God could never be proud of her.
She is ugly.
Imperfect.
A liar and tired.
Don't care for her, she isn't worth it.

She is worthless.

She talks too much.
She doesn't talk enough.
Her mind goes to another place and people get mad.
No one really gets her.
She is different.
She is crazy and weird.

She isn't understandable.

Who is she??
No one knows.
But a piece of her lives in each of us.
Only God will be with us when we are alone.
Only God knows her true worth, more then diamonds.
He is SO proud of His child.
He understands.
He created. He made her in His image.

She is loved.

Who could you be?

Can anybody tell me why this world can be so hateful? Any explanation why our generations so ungrateful? Can anybody out there tell wrong from right? Do you know when to sit and listen and when to stand up and fight? Can you learn that tonight? Today is the day to stop and think about it. All the lies you listen to what’s really legit?

 (Chorus) It doesn't matter anymore to be good or great it just matters where you fit in even if you have to lose to win. Never realizing your potential or passion for the greater good. This way we will never get far 'cause we will never know who we really are. Chorus end.

Nobody cares if they fail or fall 'cuz everywhere they look their told if they do it bad they can have it all. But money, lust, fame will never get you anywhere. In another thirty years will you care today about how you did your hair? You can't love everybody, but you have to try. You know what it’s like to feel alone and the want to cry. You're impatient, selfish and may often think Christianity's extreme, but if you step back and look at the world is that really what you mean? So little care about each other, who's out there comforting the grieving mother? The secrets, the lies, every little disguise never being who we are or could be. (Chorus) 

We are killing babies before they're born leaving a woman broken and torn. There's a family here who can't have a baby, couldn't the other one have been theirs, just maybe? We have food to feed the world, enough love to spread around. We need to help the broken and the lost get found, but first we have to find ourselves and look in the mirror God show us who we are. Maybe you'll find a one of a kind, a wise woman, a caring man, a boy with a world-saving plan. A daughter with a voice, a father who can make the right choice. Follow His plan, your safe in His hands. Be yourself don't try to be someone else. Take it from me 'cause I wasn't always able to be myself. God grants the light to see that I play the part of me better than anyone else. You can too, you’re so special that God took the time to hand make you.

Believe

(This was a song I wrote a while back. They are just words on a page because God has yet to bless me with someone to give them musical purpose. They have yet to know the joy of dance, but instead just the immense pleasure of being enjoyed. So enjoy!)

You feel so alone like no one is there. You feel so afraid and know that no one else cares. Does anybody listen, can anybody see? Does anybody know what’s going on inside of me? I feel like I have to hold everything up, can’t let anyone down. Why should I tell you what’s really going on? ‘Cause it just means my failures are coming back around. You have to be older then you are. You know better than to wish on those shooting stars. You ain’t getting anywhere doing what your doin’. Is it your life you’re trying to ruin? You long to smile, but have to cry, looking for love in another’s eyes.  But there’s one thing you haven’t tried. God loves you, is searching to find you, wherever you stand. When you know your drowning He’ll put your feet back on dry land. When you give all you’ve got and it’s still not enough. When you have to be strong and try to act tough

(chorus) you can always run to Him. There’s a time to end and to begin. He’ll hold you when you’re mad and angry, when you’re really worried and full of sorrow. He’s there to lift you up and give you a better tomorrow. (Chorus end)

 You’re hurt and wounded in your heart, a solider on their knees. You want to scream, but feel so weak you whisper, “Lord help me please.” You need a friend, a hand to hold, but you can’t trust when you always end up left and stone cold. Your heart’s been tossed around like a volleyball. Your highest goal is not to fall. Then you feel His hand lift you up, you’re higher than ever before! You’re kind of scared, until your spirit starts to soar! He’s a father when your dad’s not there, a friend until the very end, a dream that will never be a nightmare. He wants your life to re-begin. All of your hope and faith will never go to waste. It shows others that God will never leave, if only a believer would believe!

(Chorus)

Praise God!

Jeremiah 17:14

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise.

 

Psalm 150:6

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!

 

The Musician's Song

An instrument cannot create its own music.
Instruments cannot remember the notes that have been played.
They have to be tuned before they can make soul touching song.
They will not produce sound without a soundmaker.
When they are first purchased they are new, pure, and beautiful.
After a while they become tainted, old, and used.
If they are taken care of and played often they don't have to be tuned so recurrently.
Their shape never changes, but the music inside of them can manifest itself in many ways.
One instrument can change a symphony, but will not sound as lovely on its own.
If it makes no music, it has no purpose

How much does this reflect Christians?

We cannot do anything for God unless the Holy Spirit makes our music.
Often, we don’t remember the things we said or did when we minister because it wasn’t us. It was the Spirit. We just remember the faint occurrence.
We must be tuned before we can be used.
We are just an empty container unless God’s love resounds through us.
When we except God’s blood purchase, we are washed clean of every impurity.
After time passes, we frequently forget our Musician.
If we allow His hands to care for us and use us for His grand symphony, we don’t have to be put through the flames to fit His mold so often.
We can allow many different sounds to flow out of who we are. We will always have the same body.
Our thoughts, emotions, Spirit, and speech will constantly change.
You can choose to produce Screamo or Classical. Notes to bring life or death.
God uses us as the body. We are not meant to be alone.

Unlike instruments, we have minds. So we can refuse to be played. 

It is not the shape of the instrument that matters.
Do you prefer the guitar to the piano because of its looks?
The soft strum or passionate cries of the pricked and stroked strings make the music more appealing to your ears.
Is the guitar meant to appease everyone?
There are piano people out there.
Does the guitar care? Does its purpose change?
No. You are not loved because of your looks. You were not bought because you are you.
You were bought because of the music God knew He could make with you.
Does everyone like you?
Probably not, but you have changed the lives of the ones that do.
Do not care, because you are His favorite. Your cares are cast upon Him.
Your purpose hasn’t changed because you don’t find yourself worthy.
He will still use you regardless of your desire to be played.
You will not enjoy His music if you refuse to listen.
There is a symphony we cannot understand,
But never question what He can make beautiful in His hands.

He writes His own music.
Every note is like a black spot of impurity on your white paper.
Alone it may sound too high, really sad, ugly, strange, alone.
But God plays them all together and there is nothing sweeter.
You are the Musician’s song.  

Good afternoon!

Actually, right now for me it is good morning! I can't believe how late I slept in today, but I am sure my body is resonating with "Thank you, thank you, thank yous!" I have thought on God a lot recently. He has done many praise worthy things, as He always does. I had the honor of talking with my Aunt Suzie the other day and the encouragment my Holy Spirit recieved is beyond description! We fiound we have a LOT of things in common as far as our passion for the callings God has on our lives. Only God knows how much I needed it. I am currently doing a "365 day Chronological Bible" study. It is AMAZING. Judges has my attentive attention right now. Joshua has died, and I have just finished reading about Deborah and Jael. It is SO beautiful. You should really go check out my friend's blog "Doors of Perception" for his overview of the Song of Deborah. It is SO beautiful and inspiring. Though the story itself is about Jael.  It is absolutely awesome watching God work in the old testament. He is the MIGHTY God. How the Isrealites turned away from Him OVER and OVER is incredible. They were the only people, the only country, that was privaliged to have God's constant attention and favor. I guess it isn't THAT incredible. We have something even bigger then the Isrealites had, we have the Holy Spirit inside of us. God called Moses His companion, friend, the one He trusted! What an honor!!!!! We can have that with God! Why is it we can't even spend ten minutes a day with Him?! Never cease in your prayers for a very lost people.... to a very seeking God. May you be blessed!   

You

Just like a butterfly, painted so uniquely, so has the Artist painted you.

The rainbow glistens the brightest after the storms and then we stretch even stronger across the dampened land.

Each of your colors are special too who you are. Not too many reds or blues, the purple and greens just perfect for who you are.

There are billions of stars that brightly shine, but your light is tinted just so and God knows you and we all see you as something, something special.

You may have fallen out of the sky like one of those stars, but you encouraged someone that watched you fall because you gave them a wish and that wish brought hope.

Like the moon, perhaps you’ve been hidden, but night will come and you will shine, reflecting Him.

I have no doubt that you are a creation that God didn’t make by mistake.

You may feel worthless like a piece of coal, but don’t be discouraged because your beauty lies within.

A diamond that shines through the dirt, bringing light to those who hurt.

God didn’t say “you were made in my image” so that you couldn’t be you.

He said I made you special because I have a purpose and plan that will prosper you!

Even as the water falls and the earth may tremble you will always know He is there.

Every word you say is written in His mind and it’s His relationship with you that makes you show His love, His love divine!

If causes our effects

If you think to hard your brain hurts.

If you bite your lips you bleed.

If you trip and fall you may break a bone.

If you’re talking you can't listen.

These things are all true, whether they apply more to others then some or not.

If you have an idea you may forget it.

If you touch a hot stove you will get burned.

If there is a wall you may run into it.

I know I do.

Why these things happen because of there causes I am not totally sure.

It would be very interesting though if when you touched a hot stove your brain hurt.

And if falling on a knife made you laugh.

If you cried after eating Doritos and had no choice but to sing after a nap.

If when you pressed enter your hair turned green, or when you dialed a phone it started to rain.

Certain things go together and some just do not.

Could it be the same with people?

Hey, it’s just a thought.

What if when we picked our nose someone's lawn was automatically mowed?

Or when we sprayed a bottle our carpets talked and mine said his name was Kevin?

I wonder why the causes and happenings are so firmly wired with their effects.

These are all just thoughts that I'm thinking about.

Normally this kind of thinking would cause me creeping doubt.

Today though I will change that effect on my day and chose to say,

I thought up a new thought that turned into a poem. Hip-hip-hurray!

Christianity Today

I was Google searching Christianity and one of the options was “Christianity today”.

I didn’t even want to click it because I was afraid of what it would say.

If I had to write something like that, I couldn’t say too much good about what we do.

We forget to encourage and we aren’t bringing hope. Your walk is for God, it’s not about you.

We don’t seem to care that these people don’t know God. They are going to Hell. Separation from our King.

There should be tears of horror because they won’t be able to dance for Him or hug His neck or for Him sing.

These things we can do for Him while we stay on earth, but they can’t unless they have Him in their hearts.

When this change occurs a fire starts to burn and a passion soon ensues. This is where their relationship starts.

I am drawn to the people’s ways and away from my God, but I fight it with a fury.

I want to be His evangelist to the people and make sure they are saved in a hurry.

Not so they can be saved and safe even though those things are good. I want them in my family.

I want them to KNOW peace, grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, repentance, and how to rejoice in the coming jubilee.

I praise you Lord for what you have done and the many things you have planned and the things you have yet to come.

Remind me constantly that I am your instrument and I only make music when played. Even when I am cold, let not my heart grow numb. 

I love you even more with every breath I breathe and every word I read about you.

Use me and guide me. In everything I say and everything I think, my Lord, show me what to do.

Let us please you and show us that everyday Christians are the same as the ones of old.

We have been given your strength. We have the power to love and be courageous, giving, and bold.

We will be Your light and salt and you shall guide us as we hide Your word in our hearts and not hide you, but let You brightly shine.

Thank you for saving our souls and forever becoming mine.

Forgotten Dance

The rain falls and rises. I have never been good at swimming and now I’m stuck in an ocean.

Every movement is robotic and meaningless. They are just habitual motions.

The rain has stopped feeling like kisses on my face, just nails driven into my numbed skin.

I stand under the lightening, fighting the storm of tornados within.

The clouds of gray and black and dark cover the heart I had inside.

I will not fall, even though I am wet, cold, and lost. How do I hide?

You can’t hide behind a cloud. To hide behind the fog just confuses your view.

The zombie of thunder comes up again and the tears become few.

When you are scared for so long of being struck and of being suddenly dead,

You stop asking why. Walk through the haze, not caring what’s been said.

Like the ice that pours from the sky, so is the coldness of my stare.

Not a smile or a glare. Just those eyes that tell you no one is really there.

The rain falls harder from left and then right.

The sound doesn’t drown out. I lose the sleep I had at night.

It used to wash me clean, it used to feel so new.

Then I saw the destruction it can really do.

Bring back my rain. Bring back my breeze. Nourish the roots again without the tearing wind.

The storms can’t live forever that’s not their nature. I will flow again, never bend.

I am dying inside, but will live again. The life will come as sure as the sun light.

God drenches and dries and holds and heals. He will make it right.

I will stand outside as I always have as the rain falls on my skin.

May the nails become kisses as I learn how to dance again. 

About face

What I write is pretty self-explanitory. It is either joyful, disheartening, or curious. I refuse to put my own explanations after posting my writing, unless questioned. I believe that poetry touches the soul of the reader when they find they can make it their own. I can write my feelings after losing a dog and a friend will be encouraged because that's how they feel after divorce. If you do want to inquire after what something means or why I have chosen to write what I have, feel free to message me. If you comment those questions I will also answer. 

Poetry

Writing is a giant part of who I am. Just like your face can define how people see you, even though you have so much more body then your face, so does my writing often define me. There will be a lot of posts that are pure poetry or lyrics. May you be inspired, uplifted, or understood.

"I want to believe tomorrow will come and live as though it won't." ~C.M.